A fool on a bicycle

You ain't gonna believe this, but the old Billy Bob is try'n to think of something excit'n to write about today. What could be more excit'n than somebody mak'n a fool of his self an' fall'n down? Get a few skin ups, noggin lumps, cut's an' scrapes....bruises....stuff like that.

Ya already know that when I was a youngster, I were a "whiz" on a bicycle. That was my transportation....I go a hunnert mile a hour on one them things. But a bicycle was much more than a means of transportation. It was a cowboy's horse. A jet airplane. A space ship. A racing car. For the adventurous Billy Bob, it was a ready means of "get'n hurt".

I lived with Grampa in Overland, Mo. In the basement was this old model 1920's something bicycle.....hard rubber tires....an' no brakes. I'm serious, it didn't have no brakes. "I can ride this" I says. I oils up all the mov'n parts what weren't mov'n, mount up on that thing, an' take off down the sidewalk. We pick'n up downhill speed, must be go'n bout a hunnert mile a hour. There's a car stopped at the stop sign, I'm gonna plow right into the side of it, I gotta make me a quick left turn. I leans to the left, wind flow'n through my hair....I ain't gonna make it. I crashes head long into a 3 feet deep concrete culvert. Billy Bob git skin up pretty good, big ol' goose egg lump on my head, bicycle is totaled....ain't gonna ride that thing no more.

Did I ever tell ya bout the time....the front wheel come off? I was rid'n a second hand Billy Bob "fixed" bicycle down the dump road. It was a mile long gravel road top to bottom. We used to roll tires down that hill till the cops caught us. "I can ride this thing down that hill". I takes off.....yeee ha....I go'n waaayy too fast. I hits a bump an' the front wheel come slap off the ground like I was do'n some kind of fool stunt....then it take off down the road all by itself. I guess you know what happen now. Them front forks dig into the ground, bicycle come to a sudden stop an' Billy Bob keep right on go'n. Forks bend all to hell an' gone, Billy spit'n dirt an' sand out his mouth....cuts an' scrapes all over the place. I done been in a terrible accident.

We was rid'n bikes way up on a mountain on a old timber trail road....or something like that. I looks "down" the road....way down, that would be one hell of a ride. I takes off, down that mountain trail, try'n my damndest to keep that bicycle on the road an' out of the woods. At the bottom of this steep incline road was a dead end into the main road. I got to stop. I hit the other side that main road do'n, you guessed it, a hunnert mile a hour. Me an' that bicycle fly'n through the air. See above...I done been in another terrible accident.

I runs slap into the back a car at a stop sign. I had just finish "fix" my brand spank'n new second hand bicycle. Air the tires up an' all that stuff. I take it out in the street for a robust test run. I see I need to stop pretty soon or I gonna crash right slap into that car at the stop sign. I need to apply the brakes right now....go'n a hunnert mile a hour ya know. What the hell, the freak'n brakes don't work.....I gonna crash. I goes up the back side that car, slide across the top an' down the windshield. Poor little old lady like to have a heart attack right there at that stop sign. I demolished the front wheel an' forks on that bicycle, got me a few cuts, scrapes an' bruises, but that weren't the last time I ride a bicycle. I ain't learned a damn thing have I???

Ok, that enough bicycles for one day.....what ya wanna do now? How bout we go water skiing? I probly tole this story before, but I gonna learn how to water ski. I was right bout 18 year old an' all my "uppity" friends had speed boats an' knowed how to water ski. They was gonna learn me. "Well shoot, I can do that". I put on a set of skis an' a ski vest thingy so's I don't drown while I'm gasp'n for air. "Sit right here on the end of the dock an' hold on tight to this ski rope". He yank me slap off'n that dock like I were shot from a human cannon at the circus. "Let go the rope, let go the rope... you gonna drown" as I go bounc'n across the water with no skis.

After a few more arm an' leg frailing unsuccessful attempts, I was "up" on them skis do'n tricks. If'n ya wanna call swaller'n gallons of water tricks. I learn how to jump the boats wake an' go fly'n through the air, but I never learn how to successfully land. I almost learn how to swim that day. Up there on the beach is a bunch of little high school chick-a-babys frolick'n in the water an' lay'n in the sand. Sun bathing that what they called it, but I knowed why they was there. I had seen this done before, I'm gonna go a hunnert mile a hour, let loose that rope an' glide right up there to the beach, step out them skis....say, "hello girls...my name is Billy Bob". Well, that ain't exactly the way it turn out. When I hit that sandy beach, them ski's stop right there, an' I keeps on go'n. Whoa Boy howdy I was one embarrass little red face feller. Spit'n sand out my mouth, check'n my extremities for cuts, scrapes an' bruises....chick-a-babys laugh'n there ass off.

Last nights exercise session was a bust. Ever thing I do cause pain in my lower back. Gonna give it a rest for a couple days.

Now what the hell??? I'm out of propane for my grill. I had me a big old steak an' a tater all prepared for my supper last night. The grill don't fire up. Don't that beat all??? Oh wait, Joseph got a BIG grill right over there. Fire that sucker up an' have me a purty good supper if'n I do say so myself.

I'm think'n I got the Weber grill all figger out now. Ya get that cast iron grate hotter an' hell, you can burn anything. Before ya know it, I'll be grill'n watermelon. 

I jumps on that golf cart, look at that first hole....."I can do this".