Saint Holiness Catholic Church

So what's new pussycat? There sure ain't nuttin new in Falcon Heights, Texas. But shoot....I don't care. I'm do'n fine do'n nuttin.

Boy howdy I mean to tell ya, I throwed all them dirty dishes in the dish pan and got busy. I was on fire. Got them suckers all sparkly clean, dried and put away in nuttin flat.....bout a hour with rest breaks. Then I got to look'n at the stove. My god, never see so much grease, pieces of fried taters, chunks of meat....don't know if'n they was beef, chicken or pork. But old Billy Bob got 'er done. Did you know....and if'n ya did know, why didn't ya tell me, that ammonia is a great grease remover. I usually use that automotive engine cleaner to clean the cook top, but this time I used ammonia. Hot damn, I got me a brand spank'n new stove.

And then, I grab holt to my broom and start sweep'n the floor. Sounds simple enough huh? Well, I just sweeped it last week and you shoulda see all the dirt, sand, grass, dawg hair, old whiskers an' stuff like that what I picked up. Where it all come from??? Now I got to mop what I sweeped yesterday an' all I got is one them Swiffer thingys. They ain't worth a crap in my book....leave streaks, stuff like that.

Did I ever tell ya bout the time......
If'n ya don't already know, I were just a bit rowdy an' rambunctious when I were a little feller. Always get'n into stuff I weren't supposed to.....break'n stuff....holler and scream'n from sunup till sundown. I were a typical 6 year old boy from the farm, plumb full of piss an' vinegar. Damn cat was even scared of me.

We had a old Model A car what "moms" would drive to town onest a month to go to the church so she could confess all hers sins what had piled up in the last three weeks. You know, yell'n at us kids all day long and probly cuss'n to herself under her breath. One Sunday morn'n, she tell my "Billy, you go'n to the church with me". I know what she was think'n. I would be a good little boy if I went to church. I was think'n I were gonna get me a ice cream cone.

When I walks in the door of that church, I think I heared a deep loud moan com'n from the rafters somewheres.....God???
Everthing was go'n pretty good. People was kneeled down on a little board thingy, mumbl'n stuff to themselfs. I was get'n bored just sit'n there an' all, so's I start walk'n round check'n stuff out what I ain't never see before....just look'n at stuff ya know. Touchy feeley. Mak'n faces at the other kids. Play'n in the little drink'n fountain at the back. Moms was already giv'n me them mean looks of hers, shak'n her hands at me.....stuff like that an' the show ain't even started yet.

Then, in from a side door walks this big tall feller, all dress up in a black robe an' a silly hat. Scare the liv'n hell out me. I had done heared bout the "death angel", or something like that, from the older boys. I sits down in the back row, real quiet like so's he won't see me. But I got all figgity an' rambunctious again. I go's round the church collect'n song books. There was lots of 'em all over the place. I had 'em all stacked up in the seat next to me when all a sudden that preacher guy, what I was skeered of, start talk'n in tongues....or something like that. I jumps when he start yell'n an point'n at people, knock that stack of song books slap over with a loud crash.  Song books all over the floor.....everbody look'n at me. That preacher guy done turn red.

After the service was over, I see that preacher talk'n to moms. I was think'n Oh Oh. When she get me in the car, she were hot. Almost cuss'n mad at me. I had been banned from the Saint Holiness Catholic Church and I didn't get no ice cream cone.