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Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Broke down in Texas

Dizzy Dick got to wondering bout fire ants yesterday. That got me to think'n bout the many times I had encounters with them dastardly critters. If'n ya ain't never stood in a fire ant mound, ya won't know what I'm talk'n bout.

It was back in the summer of '86......
I was driv'n along in my old 1974 VW bus,  just mind'n my own business ya know. I was com'n back home to Texas for the last time, speed-o-meter laid over on bout a hunnert mile a hour.  It was a old Texas county road, CR 549 or something like that....grass growed right up to the edge of the blacktop.
 
Spitter, sputter, bang, clank, all sorts of noises an' puffs of black smoke come out the back that old VW. The motor quit run'n right now....deader 'an a doornail. I pulls off to the side the road....grass an' weeds two feets tall. Out there in the middle of nowheres, Texas sun bear'n down on me, hotter 'an blue blazes. There ain't a cloud in the sky. Not another car in sight what can give the old Billy Bob a help'n hand. Ok, you got that picture in your head now?.....I'm stranded a hunnert mile from civilization, my damned old VW don't run, I'm all by myself....an' I'm gonna die out here in this blasted Texas heat. Are we all in focus now?

I walks round to the back that VW an' opens up the engine compartment. Well shoot, looks fine to me. A little hot maybe with all that smoke an' stuff in there. That when I see something leak'n up under the back....my gasoline is drip'n down on the ground. That's purty good evidence I got a gasoline leak. Bend'n down for a closer look, "I betcha a dollar I can fix that". All I gotta do is to crawl up under there with a hand full of tools an' some bail'n wire or a hose clamp......walla, gas leak fixed. But wait.....

What I failed to do when I take that closer look, was to notice them little dirt mounds what was up under there. I slides my skinny ass up under that VW bus unaware of what was to happen next. I was up under there for only for a few seconds. I'm on "fire". "No damn it, I didn't set the gasoline on fire". What ya think I am...crazy or something??? I was plumb covered with fire ant's an' they was eat'n away at my delicate fleshly parts. Hunnerts of 'em. Swarm'n up my pant legs, in my underdrawers, run'n up an' down my arms. They was everwheres. Eat'n me slap up. Holy Crap, I need some relief.

Off come my pants, shirt an' shoes. I'm beat'n them critters off'n me fast I can with a old baseball cap. Holy Crap.....yeee haw!!! I'm out there on that hot blacktop barefooted,  put'n dad gum blisters on the bottom my feet, danc'n round like a neekid fool. I done got the majority of them fire ants beat off me an' up drives a Texas State Trooper in a shiny black car..... "Whatcha do'n thar boy danc'n in the middle tha road all neekid like that"?

Now I got to 'splain to this ROTFLHAO (rolling on the floor laughing his ass off) State trooper why I'm all neekid an' stuff. He think this shit is funny. He take one look at my skinny legs, what is now all covered with little red welts an' stuff....he start laugh'n some more. I didn't see nuttin funny bout this whole ordeal. He says with a big ol' Texas grin...."them are fire ants boy, ain't ya got no better sense than to sit on a fire ant mound"? I just tell him it was a accident an' that I wouldn't do it no more.
 
By the time I got all them ants shook out my pants an' put 'em back on, that dad gum State Trooper is talk'n bout writ'n me a ticket for illegal park'n an' indecent exposure. I says..."WHAT??? A ticket"??? I'm way to hell out in nowhere broke down, them damn ants eat'n me alive an' he gonna write me a ticket? He just grins at me an' says...."Nahh, I was just kidd'n".

I still got a gas leak ya know. That VW bus ain't gonna run. I ain't climb'n back under that damn VW come hell or high water. The nice trooper helps me push that VW bus back into the road where there ain't no little dirt mounds, turn his flash'n lights on an' climbs right up under there with me to help fix that leak. VW bus fire right up, I wave to the nice Texas State trooper an' I'm headed south to Port Aransas. Scratch'n them damn fire ant bites all the way.

Ok, so I'm crazy. I like writ'n bout stuff what like to have kill me. Most people find my pain an' suffer'n more amusing than when I'm just cruis'n along do'n nuttin.

This incident occurred somewhere along the Bolivar peninsula on State Hwy 67 between Port Arthur and Galveston, Texas while enroute to Port Aransas, Texas from Huntington, West Virginia.   

19 comments:

  1. Mercy is not a word in the fireant's vocabulary.

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    1. no comment....not enough information.....

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  2. That Texas trooper is retired now, telling his grandkids about the time he found this guy plumb nekkid and dancing in the middle of the road!

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    1. I never though of that. I can tell my grand kids and the trooper can tell his. Now I wonder how HIS story went.
      Actually, when that trooper drove up, it was one of the most embarrassing times of my life.

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  3. Love your story about those fire ants.
    Remind me a few years ago taking the back roads from Willis Texas to Vidor Teaxs.
    Pull our coach, on the side of the road (nature calls) used our facilities in the house. And always do a quick walk around to check out things. Got back on the road drive about a mile and my feet on fire. What the heck. Pull back over and see my feet with sandals on crawling with these red aunts, choppin away . Open the door sat on the steps and brushed them all of.
    My first pain exposure to fire ants, now very careful where I walk in Texas.

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    1. Boy howdy, I know bout Vidor, Texas. Got to be the stinkenest city in all of America. I been crawl around in dumpsters what smell better than that place.
      Ya ever been dumpster div'n George?

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    2. Way back many years ago did some dumpster divin.
      We went that way but stayed at Delta down Race track for the night, got some free T-shirts and real good price on a great buffet.
      Watched the horse races outside our coach too.

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  4. Back when I had a garden, I was digging potatoes. Dug one big one up and was admiring it when out of a hole in comes all these fire-ants. They run up my arm stinging me all the way. That was one of my first experiences with them after moving to this property. Not near as embarrasing as your first encounter.

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    1. Fire ants in a tater? Never hear of that before. I gonna be check'n my Walmart taters real close from now on.

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  5. My nephew was a toddler, and sat down on a big mound. By the time his Mom got to him, he was covered and screaming. She jerked his diaper and shirt off, stuck him in the bathtub, washed them off, wrapped him in a towel and took him to the ER. Heck, he was fine. Hundreds of stings tho.

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    1. I think most young'uns from Texas learned at a early age what fire ants were.

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  6. Great story, Billy Bob. I got bit by a single fire ant, can't imagine 100's of them little blow torches burning into my hide. How'd you get a VW van up to 100 mph? Aren't no downhills in Texas.

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    1. LOL jimkabob, everthing I own goes a hunnert mile a hour....even "bubba boat".

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  7. My personal experience is that VW's are fairly easy to get running again, just apply proper amounts of chewing gum, wire coat hangers, duct tape and swearing. This is good because my personal experience, again, is that they constantly break down at the most inconvenient times. I got to where I could change out engine parts on the side of a city street in transit from point A to point B. I also learned to keep spare engine parts with me for the inevitable breakdowns.

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    1. Ah ha, another knowledgeable VW owner. I don't think I ever drove a hunnert mile that I didn't have to fix something. But they fun to drive.

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  8. I rode in a VW Beetle with my brother who was in the service in Colorado Springs from Indiana on a bitter cold New Years night back in 1967. Wern't enough heat to keep the windows from icing over. That sucker would only go about 70mph on the downhill grade. Like to froze my a** off.
    First experience with fire ants was in Cordele Ga. and again in Mobile AL. You don't forget to look out for those hills of dirt after you're kind of experience. I don't care how modest you are or where you are located. If you get your shorts full of fire ants them short are comming off right quick.

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  9. butterbean carpenterJuly 2, 2013 at 7:29 PM

    Howdy #1 BB,
    I had a friendthat kept a ' 58 VW Bug runnin' for over 300,000 miles, sold it to a guy with instructions on how he did it and the guy 'burned' it up in less than a month !!! The guy didn't want to get his hands greasy !
    I didn't know I was runnin' around with one good-lookin' STRIPPER until the day we 'run-over' a piece of overload spring, it stuck up in the bottom of the van rocker panel and SCARED THE OUI OUI outa us.. I IMMEJETLY STOPPED, on the median of the hiway, got outhnm, saw what it was and started tryin' to kick it loose.. Joyce got out to see what it was and in a minute started doing the greatest STRIPTEASE EVER; PLUMB TO THE SKIN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIWAY; only it wasn't no sloooow show; IT WAS A SHUCKIN' IT OFF show !!!
    Truckers were swervin', mama's was coverin' kids eyes; OH I'D GIVE $100 TO SEE IT AGAIN !! SHE'D BEEN STANDIN' IN A FIRE ANT BED !!! I bet those folks had a Texas Tale to tell ANYBODY!!

    Sure do hope it coooools down before you and OFM Barney roast, with char marks !!!!

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    1. Weather down here in south Texas has been purty bearable for the last few days.

      I would'a been root'n for old Joyce....tak'n pictures an' stuff. Yes sir ree Bob, them fire ants make ya do stuff.

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  10. Great story...got a good mental picture of it :D

    Wish the DPS guys I have ran into had the sense of humor of the one you encountered.

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