Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween scares...

We lived in a big ol' beach house up on stilts, 10 foots off the ground. It was Halloween an ol' Billy Bob gonna scare me some kids what is com'n down the street all dress up in costumes. I were dress up as a mummy, strips of a bed sheet wrap round all my limbs an' stuff. Damn it were hot in that get up. At the bottom of the steps leading up to the "goodie" candy bowl at the top. I placed some old junk from the back yard and set my old raggedy "sit'n" chair right in the middle. I sits there, not mov'n a muscle in anticipation of my first customer of the night. Hee hee, hee....this gonna be fun.

My first customers was a couple little boys bout 4 or 5 year old. Mamas is stand'n out at the street. They walks up giv'n me the eye when all a sudden I jumps up. That was all it took....them kids was gone....pooof, just like that. One them mamas was so upset, she call me a "sum bitch".....and whole bunch other choice words. Not gonna scare no "little" kids no more.

Then here they come, bout 5 little girls in their prissy girlie outfits.....all of age, bout 8, 9 or 10 year old. They look at me giggl'n an' pok'n fun at me as I sit there like a rock....never move. Up the stairs they go say'n "trick or treat". That when ol' Billy Bob come slap alive, mak'n gurgling sounds, snarling and headed for the steps. That was about the same time when them little girls come alive too. They was scream'n to high heaven, look'n for an escape route off'n them porch steps. Wouldn't surprise me if every one of them little girls was pee'n their pants by now. One little girl fall slap off the steps an' hit the ground a runn'n......bout a hunnert mile a hour. No more scare'n little girls on the steps.

Then there was the little "Darth Vader" youngster. He were all by his self, strutt'n his stuff.....his light saber swing'n side to side. I jumps straight up, arms frail'n, right in front that boy....boy howdy. That when he cut loose with that sword thingy an' beat hell out me with it. Sheesh!!! No more scare'n kids with sticks, baseball bats or light sabers.

Yesterday old Billy Bob cut loose and tackled the nasty job of clean'n that bedroom. I mean to tell ya, it were a mess. Three bags full of stuff what I ain't never use or see in years and ain't gonna never use in the years to come. Pull out drawers stuffed with god only know what.....or why. Billy Bob is clean'n house. Three drawer slide plastic thingys had to be replaced where all that weight had busted them into little pieces. Cheap junk. That was a job I don't want to ever do again.

Then here come old "pesky neighbor" Wayne. Right in the middle of fix'n that last broke drawer. See what I mean bout "pesky"? And then here come some more "pesky's". In no time flat, "da porch is fill with people talk'n bout some special star out there, meteorites, solar flares.....what the hell???  No offense Dizzy, but old Billy Bob ain't got no interest in that kind of stuff. I would rather plant rocks an' watch 'em grow into boulders. Now don't get me wrong, I like to look at the moon an' all them gazillion stars up there, but I ain't gonna be talk'n bout them.

Today is solar panel delivery day an' old Billy Bob ain't even ready to install them. There's decisions to be made. Do I leave the one good solar panel on the roof along with the 2 new ones or do just install the new ones and dumpster the old? More on that after I go sit on "da porch", sip a cup and do some think'n.

Poor old Wayne has got his self a "mama hen". That woman don't give him a chance to do nuttin on his own. Wayne has got to do stuff by his self if'n he's gonna make it. Ya can't depend on someone to do everything for ya. That's all I have to say bout that. She already pissed at me.

Ok...."da porch" time....an' some think'n. 


  1. hahahaha, loved ur halloween stories, my Dad loved to do that too.

    In all my years working in Home Health Care, i never "did" for anybody, if they could do for themselves. NOT good, to "help". Use it or lose it, what i told them,,,lololol.

  2. Put on that mummy thing and go scare away that lady that won't lit Wayne do anything. Betcha that'll work.

  3. Great story! I was laughing so hard I was afraid I would wake my daughter. For some reason when I get to laughing hard she thinks something bad has happened and comes running to make sure I'm okay...has nothing to do with the fact that I'm getting pretty loud and practically yelling with glee. Poor girl. I sure do appreciate your tales. Keep them coming please sir.

  4. You better watch that mama hen, she might take a light saber to you.

  5. Thanks for drop'n by sel. Sometimes I laugh just as hard as you did. If it weren't for humor an' funny stories, I would just be a couch potato....or something like that.

    Ronny, "mama hen" and me had a little run around tonight sit'n out on "da porch". She said all Chevrolet and GMC trucks sit that high in the rear. I tole her...."ain't so". Then when her husband say..."ain't so", she got up and went home.