I did stupit.....

Ok, here's the deal.....this weather sucks. It's cold an' rainy almost ever day....there ain't no sunshine.

I don't know bout nobody else, but be'n cooped up in "da house" is not what I consider a good day. This ain't typical weather for the south Texas gulf coast. In fact, this is the kind of weather you would expect bout the end of February.....not December. But I ain't complain'n or nuttin like that ya know. Just look at the rest of the US.....my god, that's cold and miserable everwheres. Well, not everwheres, but almost. Did somebody say Florida???

The water temp at Falcon lake is 58. something degs, an' that ain't good for bass fish'n. They don't like cold water ya know. An' them females is full of eggs look'n for a place to spawn. The fish'n at Falcon lake is not good. But it will be right shortly. I'm think'n record catches of 12 pounds an' more. An' one 14 pounds plus for the old Billy Bob.

Laundry is done. All I got to do is put it all away. I hate laundry almost as much as I hate warsh'n dishes.

It's time for a Walmart run again. I'm almost out of gas, two more days of meds, down to my last $20 bill, the milk is sour, bread is hard an' I got rotten maters in the refrigerator. I remember way back when, we used to call a refrigerator a Kelvinator. See what I'm talk'n bout? Confused? Thought so.

Speak'n of refrigerators, did I ever tell ya bout the time.....uncle bringed home a 25 pound chunk of ice for homemade ice cream. To keep it from melt'n, it had to go in a cooler. Now this was way before Billy Bob had much common sense. I was think'n that chunk of ice will fit in the cooler, so's I slide the cooler over the ice to make sure it would fit.....only a couple inches to spare. Yee haw, it's gonna fit. (At least I was think'n.) Then I take the cooler back off the ice an' pick that chunk up by hand an' slide it down into the cooler. Only inches to spare huh? I'm freak'n stuck. "Moms....my hands are freez'n to death". You seen what I did there....right? I love homemade ice cream. And a wonderful uncle with enough common sense to get me unstuck from that cooler.

I done plenty of stupit stuff in my life time, the ice chest fiasco being one, but I never got hurt. Well, I did, but never bad. You know, broke bones, ambulances, hospitals....shit like that. I rekon I was just lucky all my life. Like the time I bumper jack up a car. Get under there pull'n on stuff, hit'n stuff with big ol' hammers....nut's an' bolts all over the ground. I get out from under there to get me a bigger hammer....the damn car fall slap on the ground all by itself. I was play'n "knight in shin'n armor" one time. My bicycle was my trusty steed. A long stick was my staff to knock that other knight slap off'n his horse (neighbors mailbox). I was go'n a hunnert mile a hour, or how ever fast a trusty steed will go an' I points that staff right at my opponents chest. My staff breaks an' I crash headlong into that damn mailbox. Mailbox post breaks, I'm tangle up in my bent bicycle lay'n on the ground....Jesus, I thought I was gonna die.  

Ok....enough memories for one day....laters.

Sun shine on me......yeeee haaw

"Holy Crap, there's Billy Bob lay'n in  the ditch".
"Yeah, I seen him try'n to dodge that big ol' truck. He needs to stay off that "billy bike".

I was just sit'n there sip'n up a cup an' stuff, an' I got to think'n....the "billy bike" needs some exercise. Damn thing was kind of wobbly when we took off up the road. That's what happens to a bike when they just sit around an' don't do nuttin. The road is narrow an' full of pot holes from the big trucks go'n too fast. Not much room when the two of ya meet. That truck ain't gonna move over....he go'n a hunnert mile a hour. I go in the ditch to avoid a "no doubt in my mind" instant death. Nuttin broke, no pain. Take that "billy bike" back home an' park it.

0 to 148 mph in less then a second....and that's after shift'n out of reverse. That's how fast them guys was swing'n golf clubs yesterday....Long Drive Championship in Las Vegas. The guy what won the contest, and $250,000, swak that little white ball 220 mile a hour 427 yards. Shoot, I would win Barney all the time if'n I could swak a ball half that far...plus a few yards for good measure.

A couple days of sunshine an' warm sure do make a guy feel better. Roll the winders down in the car an' stuff like that. I have a hard time in the winter. I get cold an' cold hurts all the way to the bone.

Today is a perfect day for a nice round of golf. So that what I'm gonna do. Me an' OFM Barney. Then we gonna go eat some Mexican food. You're welcome to ride along, but don't be talk'n an' laugh'n an' stuff when I'm in my backswing. An' if I gotta foot the tab for the food, eat cheap. Ain't like I got money run'n out my ears ya know. Although I do got some money I ain't spent yet. Git it????....hahahaha. No I ain't gonna 'splain it to ya.

Ok, I got to get with the program. Get all syked up...swak a golf ball a mile or so.
 

Toot'n my horn....tooot toooot

Let me tell ya bout that trombone. You do want to know....right??
Well ya see, I just started high school. How I ever graderated from the 8th grade....hell I don't know, but they send me off to high school anyhows. First thing they did was put my in "girls" PE. But I already tole ya all bout that a while back. I had two choices, band or some kind of home ed class....cook'n an' sew'n, fold'n clothes....stuff like that. Well, I was a boy, an' boys don't do that kind of nonsense. Girlie stuff ya know. So's I choosed band. Never see a note in my life an' they expect Billy Bob to play notes?

Then they give me another choice....trombone or trombone. I thought that was cool. Sound like a truck horn ya know. I don't "no nuttin" bout no dad gum trombone, but I learn to play two notes. Don't ask me what note they was...the band instructor didn't even know. One sound like a elephant fart an' the other sound like a squeeky fart. Yeeee haw....I were a trombone player.

We had us a Christmas parade to perform in. Wear little Santa hats an stuff like that. I teel the band instructor I don't know how to play this thing. He says...."I know that". Tells me to pretend I know what I'm do'n.....don't be blow'n no notes. Just slide the doo hicky back an' forth. Nobody know the difference. I did that an' everthing come out pretty good....consider'n. I weren't too good at march'n neither.

I practice that trombone at home. Make dogs howl an' neighbors cringe at the sounds I was mak'n at all hours of the night. My favorite note was that dad gum 18 wheeler truck air horn. I had that one down to a tee. Every night before I go to bed, I go outside an' blow my favorite note loud as I can.

I been play'n this trombone for a while now. Should know a few tunes. All I knowed was truck horn, elephant fart an' squeeky fart.

We practice on the football field. Go this way an' go that way. That what they called march'n practice for the upcom'n football game Friday night. Come Friday during half time, we goes out there on the field. Go this way an' go that way....everbody not miss'n a note. Everbody but Billy Bob. I start play'n my three notes an' get all eat up with myself. I are a march'n three note trombone player. The band goes that way an' I got the other. Now I'm out there in the middle of the football field all by myself....tooot'n a damn trombone, while the rest of the band is climb'n the bleachers. By the time I get off that football field, I done made me a life chang'n decision.....I ain't never gonna be play'n no dad gum trombone again. I turned my back on band an' ain't never look back. Now this is how you bake a cake!!!

Pretty much a miserable day here at Billy Bob's house. It's 53 degs outside, been on an' off rain (sprinkles) all day long. Sadie Mae won't even go outside. All she do is sit over there on the couch an' look at me like it's all my fault. Not a good day any way ya look at it....not even for golf ball swak'n. Did I ever tell ya bout the time me an' old "pesky neighbor" Wayne played golf with snow on the ground? Deming, New Mexico....dead of winter. Yeee haw....damn it was cold.    

Christmas at Billy Bob's house

I got up early this morn'n to see what Santa left me while I was sleep'n. There weren't a damn thing. I looked everwhere....in the refrigerator, under the bed, in the cabinets....there weren't nuttin. I know he was here 'cause there's reindeer shit all over my solar panels an' somebody busted my TV antenna. I got a ceiling vent broke to pieces where that fat bastard tried to "come down the chimney" through a 14 inch opening. Santa....you flat suck.

Nephew Joseph has a 24 pounds turkey smok'n in the BBQ thingy. Put that sucker in there last night at midnight. After smell'n mesquite smoke all night long, I'm not sure I want to eat smoke turkey when dinner is ready. For back up, there is a big ol' ham in the oven. I like baked ham.....yum yum eat'em up. I'm think'n we gonna have some good eats for Christmas. Then I gonna take me a freak'n nap I betcha.

I been try'n to get myself in a Christmas mood for a week. Watch'n Christmas stories on TV, listen'n to Christmas music.....stuff like that ya know. Being alone like I am, just knocks hell out of Christmas. Feels like any other day when ya ain't got nobody to share the festivities with. I think Christmas should include fireworks.
Cain't wait for July 4th so's I can get me some firecrackers an' blow stuff up.....yeee haw!!! I can do that an' don't need nobody to share with.

"Pssssst Billy Bob, check the fish'n report at Falcon lake" Ok, hold on a minute. Falcon Lake Tackle.

Is that a fish or is that a fish? There weren't no new fish'n report, but I was think'n ya might be interested in last weeks catch of the day. Boy howdy, I get'n excitis.

Remember'n back to last year at Falcon lake, an' watch'n the weather forecasts this year, I'm think'n in bout two weeks I'll be headed south with the rest of the snowbirds. They'll never know I ain't one of 'em.

Taste test done on the smoked turkey. Yup, I can do that.....damn good even if'n I do say so myself.



 

Go'n in circles

Oh crap, now look what I went an' done? My freeak'n feet are swoled up again. Ya see, I was feel'n these little needles things in my feet, numbness, itchy...stuff like that. I take my socks off....stand 'em up in a corner, an' take a look at my two puff up feet. That was yesterday....today is today, I ain't got no more swoled up feet. Figger that one out.

I didn't have nuttin to do last night, so I watch a full length 3 hour movie. Oliver Twist. Damn thing go on till 3am....an' it weren't nuttin like I was expect'n. Ain't never gonna watch that no more. I was expect'n to see a "grow up an' do something special" kind of movie. Damn kid never growed up an' never do nuttin special.

I need to make a trip to Port Aransas. Pick up my mail an' get me some pocket change from the bank. But I ain't go'n today. Or tomorrow. Dad gum holidays always fall on a day when I got stuff to do. Holidays be over in bout a week....right?

Cold front blowed in last night. Got down to 34 degs over here at "da house". Didn't bother me a bit....let 'er blow. From the looks of things, we only gonna have a couple days of these blizzard like conditions. "Poot Billy Bob, ain't no blizzards in south Texas".If I say there is, there is...git over it.

Yesterday I had to go back in my blogs an' look something up. That didn't take long with the search thingy. I spend close to 3 hours read'n some the stuff I wrote a couple or three years ago. I do this a couple times a year an' come back feel'n much better bout myself. Laughter is good medicine ya know. If'n I could still write like that, I wouldn't have a hard time find'n something to write about. Damn I hate lose'n my mind (memory).

Ok, we got to do something bout this house clean'n crap. I cain't do it by myself no more.....hint hint hoochi coochi wimmins. When I lived on the boat, a placed a ad for a first mate. Out of the woodwork came (crawled) all kinds of possible applicants....I mean to tell ya. Ain't got no teefs, a hunnert pound over weight, skinny like a fence post, kids tag'n along, boyfriends....all the kind of stuff first mates ain't suppose to be. One in particular, she turn out to be a illegal....an'...wait for this....a prostitute. Good look'n woman from Columbia....keeped her for a week. Keep the boat clean, cook for me, warsh my clothes, fix my coffee just right....treat me like I was a king or something. Then here come her mean ass little 12 year old "terror monster" kid to stay on the boat. If I ever want to throw a kid overboard, this was the one. Then her brother ain't got no place to stay. Who's next, her mother? Then one wonderful day, ICE come knock'n on my door. What the hell was her name? 

Some day I need to tell ya bout first mate Vickie Lynn.

Christmas ain't like Christmas.....

The closer to Christmas day, the more depressed I get. Ya see, I don't do (participate) Christmas no more. Go head, call me a old grinch if'n ya want to. I turn my phone off the day before an' leave it off till the next year. Did I mention that I hate phones? Three minutes on a phone an' the conversation is over. It's not that I don't like Christmas or holidays in general, I just don't like what holidays have become.....commercialized and competition. Especially Christmas where everbody competes to be the biggest spender on the block. Christmas ain't about spend'n. Sheesh!!!!

But anyhows.....this year Christmas has been on my mind. I'm miss'n the kids an' grankids. With seven kids an' a whole shipp'n crate full on grankids, I got a lot to miss. All them festivities of scream'n kids, the rustle of wrapping paper being tore to shreds, the kitchen smells throughout the house.....a fresh cup of steam'n coffee......a big feed fest. I try my darnedest to not let Christmas bring me down, but damn, I can't just turn my thinker on an' off any ol' time I want to. I'm a thinker ya know. An' ya can't ignore Christmas like it was just another day.  
Early Merry Christmas to everbody!!!!

So what am I gonna do for Christmas? Well, nephew Joseph says I got to spend it with him an' family since I'm already camped here an' I don't eat much. Not the way I wanted to spend Christmas, but what the hell, I'm here an' I ain't got no other plans. Baa Hum Bug!!!!

I rekon that's all I got to say for today.

 

Think'n back a few years

Housework done??? Well, not exactly. Ya see, there are times a man has just got to sit down an' think things over. Maybe close your eyes an' visualize what a clean house is gonna look like. That's pretty much what happen. I close my eyes an' I was out like a light. That's considered a nap if'n ya didn't know.

Now bout a nap. There onest was a time I could close my eyes for bout 15 minutes an' wake up "good to go". Ha....that was like 20 years ago. As time passed me by, those 15 minute naps turn into much longer naps. They change to a hour or more, an when I wake up, I be a little on the grouchy side an' I ain't gonna do nuttin when I'm grouchy. Ya git the picture??? Housework ain't done.

I used to be a hero. I had me a Play Station video game thingy. Shoot'em up, auto racing an' the latest Tiger Woods golf games. I was the most popular "papaw" on the face of the earth. As long as the grankids could play video games all day long. Boy howdy I sure do got me some good grankid memories. But that was ten an' more years ago. All them grankids is almost growed up now....think'n bout boyfriends an' girlfriends, cars an' pick up trucks, proms, graduation an' college....boyfriends an' girlfriends. It's hell go'n from first violin to second fiddle.

Did I ever tell ya bout the time....I was a violin player? Boy howdy let me tell ya, I hated that damn violin. Who ever heard of a adventurous, tear shit apart, ten year old boy play'n a freak'n violin? It just ain't gonna happen. My mean old dad used to make me practice on that thing. Practice what? How to break the bridge so's I don't have to practice? I cain't read no music notes wrote on a piece of paper. I don't know one string from a nuther. I don't like that "screech'n" sound it makes. I ain't play'n no violin....period. Now had that been a fiddle instead of a damned ol' long hair violin, I may have liked it an' learn how to play. So much for violins.

Did I ever tell ya bout my trombone in high school? Yes I went to high school....no matter what ya might be think'n. Did ya know if'n ya was to position that slide thingy just right an' squeezes your lips just right, a trombone sound just like a 18 wheeler air horn. Had me some fun with that long bout midnight many times. Piss them neighbors off pretty good.

Ok, I ain't got no more nonsense for the day.....I'm out of here. Housework??? Maybe.